Creating Hope

I had a dream the other night that my teddy bear named Hope was stolen from me. Later in the dream I found her in pieces, ripped apart, and tied to a chair. When I found her like that, I was upset, of course, but I didn’t despair or fear because I knew I could sew her back together. She wouldn’t be the same as she was before, but she was still herself, she was still Hope.

When I woke up, I instantly knew what the dream had meant. I have tons of teddy bears, but it was it was Hope that was in the dream.

I’ve been feeling weird lately, both physically and mentally. Stress, nostalgia, longing and joy all scrambled into a mass of feeling that I can’t put my finger on. And being on the verge of panicking the past few days had my body on edge and tense.

There are a few logical reasons for this, but I still don’t fully understand it. My ego is always trying to dominate my brain space. It’s always trying to analyze and figure me out. I have to constantly combat my negative thoughts, pull myself out of memories I don’t want to remember. It’s hard work.

Yet I know that I can’t fight my ego with ego. I can’t fight my thoughts with more thoughts.

I’ve been reminding myself that I don’t need any answers because I am okay, nothing is wrong. Everything is perfect. I am perfect. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes my ego says “lol, you thought”. But every time I have to return to that knowing within me, return to the present. Feeling bad for myself and down on myself is my ego’s way of making sure it’s in control. My Knowing doesn’t need to have control. I know I am okay.

So I decided to push past the overthinking and clean up a bit that day, reorganize my rock collection and spiritual tools. As I did this, I thought I should pull a card from each of my four oracle decks that I hadn't touched in months. Honestly, it was kind of a test to see if they still rang true, if they were worth keeping.

Without really getting into the details of each card I pulled, they all had the same vibe- feeling my feelings without judgement, and staying connected with my true self, believing in myself.

There was one deck I expected to let go of. I’d only used it once before, but I remember the results didn’t align with me. But when the card fell out of the deck, it solidified the message of all the other cards and the dream I had.

Hope.

A single word, and a simple image, but it connected everything together. Hope is something I’ve struggled with maintaining since I was a suicidal teenager. It’s one of those words, like love, that seems to have both a deep and superficial meaning. I’ve scoffed at “hope” before. I’ve dismissed it.

But I think “hope” is just another word for “knowing” or “truth”. Hope is relentless. It lives on the trenches, in the darkness. It never shouts because it doesn’t need to. But it’s always there.

Hope isn’t something you can simply have. It’s something you create. Sometimes it requires you to rebuild completely, but it always gives you the chance to do so. 

It’s the light burning within you that never goes out. It's the single ember within the coal that keeps the fire burning.

When my bear was ripped apart in my dream, I knew I didn’t need to freak out, I just had to put it back together. I knew it wouldn’t be the same as it was before because everything changes. But it was still what it had always been. Just like me.

I may have been the one to tear myself down and rip myself apart over the years. I may have let the unexpected, the perceived negative trample me to the ground. But I will rebuild myself. I will always rebuild myself, sew myself back together. I will not simply have hope, I will create it.

My December Daily Art Journal Challenge- Week 1

This month I've made a commitment to myself and my art practice by doing an art journal page everyday.

Right at the end of November I got the idea. I was already art journaling pretty often, and thought this would be the perfect way to get into a daily art journal habit. With my regular art journal nearing its end, I decided to create a journal dedicated to this month and the start of my daily art journaling practice.

I had a big rolled sheet of paper that I bought in the summer, which I cut that up into reasonable sized-pieces and sewed together in a single signature. Without even counting, I managed to get exactly 30 pages, plus the covers, that I'm counting as one. It's been a while since I made and used my own handmade journal, and it definitely makes it feel more special and full of my creative magic.

I typically have a hard time doing daily challenges, but there are two main things that make this one easier for me. 

1.  I made it up for myself, so there's no comparison or pressure

I have no other people to compare my challenge to, and don't feel the pressure to join in. I'm doing it for myself only, and because I truly want to. 

I also don't need to share my progress everyday (or at all). Of course, I'll probably share the whole journal at the end, but I'm not making each page with that in mind. 

Unlike a public daily drawing challenge, where you post what you've done everyday, I can share as much as I want, whenever. And again, because I want to, not because I feel obligated to.

2. An art journal gives so much freedom!

You can do whatever you want in an art journal. It's all about experimenting, exploring and going with the flow. Intuition is the only tool you need. Well, and art supplies.

So far, every page I've done is completely different from the rest. I'm sure I'll repeat ideas as the month goes on, but it's been so much fun to come up with a new idea everyday. And I don't overthink it because there's not enough time to. Whatever my first idea is, is what I end up doing.

Some pages are more "art" and some are just collages of images I like, but it's all valid in an art journal. That's what I love about art journaling!

I'm one week into the challenge. Some days have been a bit harder than others, where I'm waiting until the absolute end of the day to do the page, but overall I'm having a lot of fun. Even the days that I wait until the night, I have to pry myself away from my journal to go to bed.

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As someone who puts a lot of pressure on myself to be productive, doing a daily art journal page guarantees some art time each day to do whatever I want, for myself. As long as the process brings me joy or releases built up emotion, it's a good thing. I'm excited to work in my journal each day. And when I'm not excited, I always get into the flow once I've begun.

I'll explain about each page when I do a final wrap-up at the end of the month, so for now, I hope you enjoy the creative randomness and color of my daily art journal!

I'm So Glad I Don't Feel Like A Ghost Anymore

I was reminiscing on my old blogs, and it's bizarre to re-experience that version of myself. I was doing my best, and seemed full of creativity and aspirations. But me from 2012 seems soo far removed from who I am today. That version of me is still a part of me, but they wouldn't recognize me today. I was myself, creative and weird, but also tried to be something I'm not, tried to fit in so hard. I didn't know I was actually non-binary and autistic the whole time. So even though I still struggle with a lot of the same things, I am soo much better than I used to be. 

I used to feel like a ghost. I still don't feel like a human, I still don't know what I'm doing, but I feel soo much more alive and like myself than I did back then. And I'm beyond grateful to myself for that. 

So maybe I'd have more success online if I had stuck to one blog, one account with one username, but I'm constantly evolving into a better version of myself and sticking to those identities would be a disservice to myself. I think that's the main reason most of my usernames are my actual name now because I can stick with that throughout the years. There truly are no words or names to define me, but I can't deny having a human name in this human body.

And even though I no longer identify with those older versions of myself, they are still a part of my story. I can only hope that years down the road, I'll look back on this time and say "wow, I've grown so much since then."

So I'm back, I guess lol. I might not own this blog because Google does. But my blog has been one of the few places on the internet that feels like I can be myself without really worrying what people think. Without scrolling endlessly on other people's pages. There's no comparison or reason to be disingenuous. It might not make me money like other sites potentially could, but I don't care anymore. 

I just want to be myself and share it with the world. I want true community and self-expression. I want to have a place to post my art other than social media. So here I am, gonna do this blogging thing again.